I have a test tomorrow worth 20% of my mark, and I haven't started studying. I had an essay due on monday that I haven't handed in. Its sort of done, but it doesn't make any sense. Probably because by the time I finished/gave up on it, I had only slept about 10 hours in 3 1/2 says. I did this by taking a higher dose of Ritalin every few hours and more energy drinks than I could count. I was so tired and hopeless, and as a result I started to see black shapes moving in my room. I also suddenly realized as I was trying to fall asleep that I think I heard my Don knocking on my door earlier and asking if I was okay. I think it was around a time when I was sobbing. I'm not sure why I didn't notice at the time, or why I "remembered" all of a sudden. But I'm really not sure if it happened or not. If it did I'm humiliated, if it didn't i'm freaked out for "remembering" it.
Also, I've lost my all friends, and people can now clearly see I am insane. My tutor obviously doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, because I've unloaded on her my problems and shown her how messed up I am. People can't deal with other people's shit on top of their own. The same thing happened with another friend. I've freaked them out.
Anyways, I'm sort of lost. I don't know how to feel. I flip flop between being sure I will fail, and believing its okay.
More importantly, I flip flop between believing that if I do fail, I will kill myself or I wont.
I've become really obsessed with death lately. I'm not sure what got me started on it, but last week I miserably failed a test that I spent WEEKS studying for. Like hours and hours and hours. My only goal was to pass. When I got the test, I blanked, and handed it in with half of the answers guess work, and the other half blank. I almost immediately broke down, sobbing and shaking. I calmed down enough to talk to my prof and got my test moved. Later, I said to my friend, "you must think I'm crazy!" And she was like "no i don't, its not like you rip your hair out and are talking about killing yourself". First of all, I do rip my hair out. But I was suddenly struck by her mention of suicide. I think I realized that I have actually been thinking allot about suicide lately, and just became aware of it.
At some point the next day or later that day (days are all blended right now, I'm not sure when one starts or ends), I started looking up suicides. Famous ones. I read about a woman who killed herself on a daytime morning show in the 70's. I then watched a video of a politican shooting himself in the head. It was horrifying and gory, and made me nausious and sad, but in the back of my mind i felt like it wasn't as sad as it might have been, because the reasons he explained were so clear, and I felt like he had no doubt or regret. I also felt like the family could maybe understand why it needed to be done, and they would not be so sad? I know that wouldn't be true...but i could help think it anyways.
Things started to spiral again on sunday night, because I knew I couldn't write my paper by the next day. I sobbed for a while after realizing this, then quietly considered how much I would love to have a noose around my neck to escape dealing with my future. It's not that serious, I often think this. Not full blown consideration, just the visual of it some how simontaniously calms me and horrifies me.
But I know I can't kill myself because it would kill my family.
I plugged on with the essay, and it turned into a steaming mess that I couldn't figure out how to fix beyond staring over (which I had already done several times)
During the week me and lindsay talked about death because she was working on an assingment for her death.
Today and last night, all I have done is look up stuff on 9/11. and not conspiracy theory or the reasons or anything, but like, I am fascinated about what it felt like to be in the building. Who were the people? What did it feel like to know you were going to die? Its weird because allot of these people seemed to know this but were calm about it, is what I gathered. That woman looking out from the whole in the building...what was she thinking? What did it feel like to be one of the people who jumped?
Its weird, because I'm not suicidal in a way I've ever been before. I know I can't die because it would be the equivalent of killing my family. I know they love me.
I feel doomed and like I'm fundamentally a failure of a human being, but I also know in the back of my mind, that its not impossible that, in the long run, things might change.
But in my current situation, I'm doomed and a disappointment to myself and my family.
I don't know. I feel really complicated right now. All balled up. Just bad and confused.
but i just promised my mom I would try to study. Right now I can't even imagine making myself show up for the test, but I will try for my mom's sake.
I feel really bad right now
