So...
I didn't even show up to that exam.
I don't really care somehow though...
I know that I am bipolar now. I went totally crazy the other night. I've felt that way before, but I though it was just my own craziness. I actually looked into bipolar and was like "yep, that's me".
It doesn't really matter though. I have a doctors appointment on Monday, but I don't want to say anything. They couldn't care less. If I bring it up, it's just going to be me trying to prove to them that I am worthy of help, and them being skeptical then finally being like "*sigh* Fiiine. We'll let you see a therapist once or twice a month" then I'll go to the therapist and they'll ask me how I'm feeling on a scale of 1 to 10, make me reprove that I am fucked up enough to be there then give me shitty motivational quotes.
They don't care. I called my therapist's office on thursday morning, totally despite and panicked, and got told to get another refferal. I don't care anymore. I'm not going to beg for "help".
If if their heart was in it, what could they even say or do? I have to stop relying on a miracle from these people.
Basically, I've totally given up. I have no plans for my future. I can't conceive of a future for myself, even to imagine the next few days. I'm just trying to block out everything. I want to die, but I'm trapped here, so I just have to do my best to not exist while still technically alive.
Pity, guilt and, I suppose, love, keeps me from offing myself, but I still fantasize.
I'm sad because I see how happy and successful and in love people are, and I want it so bad, but I never will. I'm fundamentally fucked up.
I guess my plan is to keep minimally living, deteriorate, become a complete failure.
All my parents hope for me will have disappeared and then I'll be safe to do it. Sometimes it seems unbearable though.
I don't want to hurt them. It would kill mum. but I'm slowly killing her anyways, right?

oh nooo

things aren't good

am i bipolar? am i just on a caffine high, high from ritilin and anxious?

I don't know

i just don't know

i cant study

im going to fail

i can't study at all.

i feel so crazy and frustrated. every noise makes me want to break something or scream

i don't feel like writing this is helping

oh my god

maybe i am manic right now. maybe i'm not. but because of all this, i cannot study at all. I can't. I don't care if i fail. i don't want to do anything. i don't know!!!

oh no

i feel so much. I think so much.

I can't concentrate.

I can't even verbalize.

things are not good

I don't really know what to think

I have a test tomorrow worth 20% of my mark, and I haven't started studying. I had an essay due on monday that I haven't handed in. Its sort of done, but it doesn't make any sense. Probably because by the time I finished/gave up on it, I had only slept about 10 hours in 3 1/2 says. I did this by taking a higher dose of Ritalin every few hours and more energy drinks than I could count. I was so tired and hopeless, and as a result I started to see black shapes moving in my room. I also suddenly realized as I was trying to fall asleep that I think I heard my Don knocking on my door earlier and asking if I was okay. I think it was around a time when I was sobbing. I'm not sure why I didn't notice at the time, or why I "remembered" all of a sudden. But I'm really not sure if it happened or not. If it did I'm humiliated, if it didn't i'm freaked out for "remembering" it.

Also, I've lost my all friends, and people can now clearly see I am insane. My tutor obviously doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, because I've unloaded on her my problems and shown her how messed up I am. People can't deal with other people's shit on top of their own. The same thing happened with another friend. I've freaked them out.

Anyways, I'm sort of lost. I don't know how to feel. I flip flop between being sure I will fail, and believing its okay.

More importantly, I flip flop between believing that if I do fail, I will kill myself or I wont.

I've become really obsessed with death lately. I'm not sure what got me started on it, but last week I miserably failed a test that I spent WEEKS studying for. Like hours and hours and hours. My only goal was to pass. When I got the test, I blanked, and handed it in with half of the answers guess work, and the other half blank. I almost immediately broke down, sobbing and shaking. I calmed down enough to talk to my prof and got my test moved. Later, I said to my friend, "you must think I'm crazy!" And she was like "no i don't, its not like you rip your hair out and are talking about killing yourself". First of all, I do rip my hair out. But I was suddenly struck by her mention of suicide. I think I realized that I have actually been thinking allot about suicide lately, and just became aware of it.

At some point the next day or later that day (days are all blended right now, I'm not sure when one starts or ends), I started looking up suicides. Famous ones. I read about a woman who killed herself on a daytime morning show in the 70's. I then watched a video of a politican shooting himself in the head. It was horrifying and gory, and made me nausious and sad, but in the back of my mind i felt like it wasn't as sad as it might have been, because the reasons he explained were so clear, and I felt like he had no doubt or regret. I also felt like the family could maybe understand why it needed to be done, and they would not be so sad? I know that wouldn't be true...but i could help think it anyways.

Things started to spiral again on sunday night, because I knew I couldn't write my paper by the next day. I sobbed for a while after realizing this, then quietly considered how much I would love to have a noose around my neck to escape dealing with my future. It's not that serious, I often think this. Not full blown consideration, just the visual of it some how simontaniously calms me and horrifies me.

But I know I can't kill myself because it would kill my family.

I plugged on with the essay, and it turned into a steaming mess that I couldn't figure out how to fix beyond staring over (which I had already done several times)

During the week me and lindsay talked about death because she was working on an assingment for her death.

Today and last night, all I have done is look up stuff on 9/11. and not conspiracy theory or the reasons or anything, but like, I am fascinated about what it felt like to be in the building. Who were the people? What did it feel like to know you were going to die? Its weird because allot of these people seemed to know this but were calm about it, is what I gathered. That woman looking out from the whole in the building...what was she thinking? What did it feel like to be one of the people who jumped?

Its weird, because I'm not suicidal in a way I've ever been before. I know I can't die because it would be the equivalent of killing my family. I know they love me.

I feel doomed and like I'm fundamentally a failure of a human being, but I also know in the back of my mind, that its not impossible that, in the long run, things might change.

But in my current situation, I'm doomed and a disappointment to myself and my family.

I don't know. I feel really complicated right now. All balled up. Just bad and confused.

but i just promised my mom I would try to study. Right now I can't even imagine making myself show up for the test, but I will try for my mom's sake.

I feel really bad right now

Pathetic

I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to live but I can't die.

I know it would as good as murder my family with me.

ramble sexual confusion (the word confusion doesn't seem to cover it). Not finished

Yes, its another post about a sexually confused teenager in 3...2...1

Okay, so. I have had an internal struggle going on inside me for quite a while. I've always told myself, whoever you end up being attracted to, its fine. If I find I like a girl, go for it- a guy, go for it. I don't sexually like anyone, thats fine, I'll deal, and I can still find a platonic relationship. I'm always telling myself "go with the flow". But I'm getting fed up. This state of limbo is going to make me end up never dating anyone, and I'll end up alone. Maybe this anxiety is a little premature, as I am only 18, but I am starting to think there is something wrong with me- I've never dated anyone, kissed anyone, even really flirted with anyone.

I guess when people ask me what my orientation is, or when it comes up, I say "I'm currently interested in girls", or "I'm bi" (I'm a girl, by the way). But I just don't know...I'm starting to think I hate men more than I love women...and I don't think thats a good reason to consider myself gay...or is it?

Okay, arguments for thinking I'm gay or bisexual. Lots of gay people say they knew since they were kids, and thats not true for me, but I did have a very close relationship with my "best friend" when I was like 10-13. I remember being very jealous when she would spend time with other kids, and we very often talked about how we were perfect for each other and would spend the rest of our lives living together. But I don't know how unusual that is, and I certainly didn't think I was gay at the time. I remember when I was 11 or 12, adamantly defending gay people and gay marriage to a boy who was saying its adam and eve not adam and steve. I thought this was stupid and yelled at him. The reason I think this is odd, is that I had never had anything other than heteronormative values exposed to me. Catholic school, conservative parents, never met or knew of a gay person in my life. Was I on some subconscious level, defending myself? Anyways, all through elementary school I never had a "boyfriend" like the other girls, but when my best friend got her "boyfriend" I was jealous, and hated him.

Anyways, I then went to an all girls highschool and thats when the little red flag of gayness began to go up. I met my best friend, who was really passionate about gay rights and I began to feel strongly about it too. And then I got interested in something very odd. Me and my friend began to get very "interested" in gay men. Gay guys on TV, movies, whatever. At first my reaction was like "aww", then I began to find it more than just cute, but also attractive. In fact, I began to fantasize about gay sex sometimes. Weird, right? But I have no idea how to interpret that. At the time, I was like "I'm so straight, I find that much masculinity attractive". Just like how men find lesbian sex attractive. But, maybe that wasn't it. Maybe I found it appealing because it wasn't heterosexual. It didn't have guy/girl sex, and therefore, when thinking about it, I didn't have to put MYSELF, mentally, into the fantasy. I did also have heterosexual fantasies, and those too, I don't know what to make of them. Enjoyable, sure, but also very much not. And I don't know, maybe it was guilt or maybe it was something else, but they felt wrong. Was it because I grew up in a sexually conservative society? Maybe. But I always felt like my fantasies grated against everything I was, and that the fantasies themselves were demeaning- how could I ever go through with the real thing? After fantasizing about heterosexual sex, I always felt a little bit...less. Again, in the moment, enjoyable, but I always felt like they should have nothing to do with the real me, but the more I thought about it, the more I became less of myself. But maybe allot of women feel this way? Maybe it was just intense guilt?

Anyways, then cue feelings for girls. I'm not really sure where that started. Grade 9 I remember suspecting that my new best friend was gay, and I secretly hoped that she liked me. Turns out she wasn't but all through high school I kept hoping. I began to find particular girls in my school very good looking and often sat in class imagining I was kissing them. but somehow, the idea that this was gay never crossed my mind. I guess I just thought, "there are no boys around, I'm turned on, my mind is just transferring that feeling onto girls, no big deal". Maybe thats exactly my issue. I really think me going to an all girls school did have a big impact on my confusion. My sexual, emotional and intellectual development all happened with girls and the absence of guys. Thats not a normal situation. But if thats true, does that make my feelings for girls legitimate? That doesn't seem to match other gay people's theories- they were born gay and I...went to an all girls school? but I guess not everyone came out of that school questioning their sexuality (although, to be honest, I think there was a higher number of girls who did than in a regular school, so warning- SINGLE GENDERED SCHOOLS MIGHT TURN YOUR KID GAY).

When I was in grade 10, I think, maybe early grade 11, I was having a conversation with my older, more conservative sister about gay rights or gay boys being cute or something, and she was like"whats wrong with you? are you gay?" this was not the first time she had "accused" me, but this time I sort of stopped and was like..."I don't know...maybe". She was shocked and going on about how weird gay people are and I instantly took it back, genuinely saying that I just got mixed up with my strong feelings for their rights, and I just said that because I though gay culture was cool.

I keep going on being straight, and had lots of crushes on male celebrities and gushed about them and fantasized about gay men and heterosexual sex. I still thought about kissing girls (including my best friend) but that didn't matter. Every once and a while it would bug me though. I would become more aware of what I was thinking, instead of like, subconscious fantasy, and I would be like "OH SHIT, thats not normal". I think from that first time in grade 10, to grade 12, I "came out" to my sister about 5 or 6 times. But she would reason through with me that I was getting friendship and attraction mixed up, and I was still attracted to guys and I would agree and I would move on for the next while believing I was heterosexual.

For a long time, I took great comfort in the fact that I didn't have fantasies about having sex with girls. I thought about cuddling, holding a girl, making out with a girl and even groping (especially boobs, I thought about boobs allot). Not sex. Quite frankly, I wasn't clear on the ins- and outs of how lesbian sex worked. But it wasn't sex fantasies that made me REALLY and truly think something was up. I became aware of how I was having intense and detailed fantasies about simply being in love, and living with, a woman. I think it dawned on me that this was the first type of fantasy that ever felt "right". Instead of being on the outside, looking in on to people, this fantasy included myself, and i didn't feel guilty or degraded or anything. I consciously asked myself at that point, "Do you picture yourself ending up with a woman?" I knew the answer was yes. And "Do you picture yourself ending up with a man?" and I couldn't. That was a huge turning point. After that I began to think much more about girls, and I admitted to myself that I was less than straight.

I began to think about lesbian sex. But heres the thing...at first, I was kinda indifferent...I don't know, this bit is complicated. It turned me on, but I often feel, it doesn't turn me on enough, usually. Sometimes, it does.

*le sigh*

Things not going particularly well for me, and I'd like to believe that its because of all these out side things that I can't control, but for the most part, its because I'm lazy.

I'm doing really bad in school. I keep being like "okay, this week I'm gunna catch up!". Then I spend hours waisting time on absolute shit. Like, my life is so easy, why can't I keep up with the bare minimum expectations I set for myself? I'm taking 3 liberal arts courses and thats my only responsibilities. I don't have a job, I don't pay my own rent or food, I don't have people depending on me, nothing. But somehow, I struggle on a daily basis to survive. I consider it a goal achieved when I shower. Like, how pathetic am I? Some days, I can't keep myself clean, my room clean, dishes not mouldy, do ANY amount of homework, or go to class. I am not even trying. I never read my text books or study. I barely ever practice french. I guess I fill my days with anything but homework. Conversations, making food, tumblr, youtube, sleeping. If I fail, I will try to blame it on ADHD, depression, anxiety. While it is all those things, its me. ADHD, depression and anxiety is me. Its not some outside force holding me back. Those disorders are the names for my behaviours. I have to force myself to do the things I want to do. Every day. That's my problem. Yesterday, I slept in and didn't go to class, because in the moment, sleeping in felt better. That's stupid. If I had done what I should have done, instead of doing what I wanted, I would probably have known at least one more answer to a question on the exam. Now I won't.

I'm so upset with myself.

Yes, I'm less stressed, but not because I got better, but because I didn't even try. I haven't gotten better this year. I'm lying to myself. I'm exactly the same person. Just lower expectations for myself.

I have no impulse control is what it comes down to. It shows even in the little things, picking my face, touching my eyebrows and eyelashes. If feels good, so i do it. The consequences are that is is gross, it makes me break out, and it makes me loose my hair. but I don't stop.

GAHHHH. I hate myself. PATHETIC IS THE ONE AND ONLY WORD TO DESCRIBE MYSELF.

I'm going to counselling today, for exactly this reason, but I am pessimistic that any level of therapy can change this.

Today I feel like I am going to fail school, and end up never dating anyone. Eventually I'll just kill myself. I guess I've slipped into the "out of my control" mindset, but I guess after 18 years of "you can do it, just try harder!" pep talks to myself, you begin to feel as if you are fundamentally flawed, and there is nothing you can do about it. In nature, the runt of the litter can't keep up and dies. I'm the societal runt. Not as smart or fast as the others. If it wasn't for social support like my parents or the sympathies that go with IEPs or depression, I would not be here. I'm the weak link.

I don't know. I know I need to keep trying, but its getting too hard. I can't picture myself functioning normal ever. Getting good grades, having a path or goals in terms of academics or a job, staying financially afloat, having a relationship, and actually being attractive to that person physically, emotionally and intellectually.

nlkdsnglfsnglfsgnfd

Still trying to be productive...

Today wasn't overly great but it wasn't a total lazy day...I woke up super sick though, so maybe I have an excuse? I went to french class, copied all the notes from the classes I missed from Millie and did like 3 or 4 hours of studying french. I have a quiz next class and I'm still soo behind. Like I basically didn't learn anything from unit 3 or 4, just 1 and 2. So two units worth of stuff I don't know...how did I get so behind?

Well probably from doing things like faffing around on tumblr or looking up vegan recipes that aren't just lettuce...like I've been doing for the past couple hours...

In general though, I've really been putting out an effort to be productive and normal. In the past couple weeks, I've had many unproductive days, but not days like, watching movies for hours on end by myself. More like going out with Lindsay, partying, and sleeping the day away. Somehow that feels slightly better, if its just on occasion... Despite this productiveness, I don't really feel the effects of concerta. Its hard to tell. But I'm going to the doctor on thursday and they'll probably bump it up.

I really need to pull my grades up. I have to. Especially french. Its in the dumps, and its embarrassing because the teacher calls on me and I have no idea what the question is. I need to work harder. Plus I've totally alienated my tutor. Ugh. I won't go into that. In political science, things are pretty "chill". I never do the readings, but its so easy and self explanatory, I feel like I can keep up without it. I will have to read it all before the exam though... we also have an essay coming up, which is scary because it my first ever uni essay, but I got 78% on the outline and barely tried, so it will probably be okay. Plus I've got a month. Comparative politics is weird... not sure whats going on. Got an 80% on my midterm. I KNOW it was bad. I really don't understand, but i guess its a good thing, considering I bombed the presentation, and will be getting 0% for participation...so yeah basically french is my enemy right now. I need to learn and memorize all of chapter 4 by thursday at 9. Fun.

oh and still flip flopping between wanting to date someone and not. PEOPLE ARE SCARY. I don't know how people work...lindsay and in general everyone are like "let it happen". If I do that I will be alone forever. But I can't initiate because I don't know what people wan out of relationships. Hypothetically, if I go to this LBGT thing at square one (which I might not, because Jenessa doesn't seem into it) and meet someone who isn't a teeny bopper pansexual, and who I actually like... then what? I dunno. Honestly, I'm scared there going to want to have sex or even making out seems scary. Not unpleasant... just I can't imagine MYSELF doing it. I know it takes me time to get used to anything, to not be scared of things, but what if after like, 3 weeks there like "SEX!". and are weirded out by my no experience and not wanting to have sex with them? Like those girls at holy name. They were sleeping with eachother all over the place. I can't even imagine that. I don't know. I have some serious problems with myself, I know. But I don't want to have never dated anyone at like 25 or something...

Gah. I don't know.

But anyways, should get back to it. I want to be in bed by 12:30 or 1 and I've got allot to do.