Yes, its another post about a sexually confused teenager in 3...2...1
Okay, so. I have had an internal struggle going on inside me for quite a while. I've always told myself, whoever you end up being attracted to, its fine. If I find I like a girl, go for it- a guy, go for it. I don't sexually like anyone, thats fine, I'll deal, and I can still find a platonic relationship. I'm always telling myself "go with the flow". But I'm getting fed up. This state of limbo is going to make me end up never dating anyone, and I'll end up alone. Maybe this anxiety is a little premature, as I am only 18, but I am starting to think there is something wrong with me- I've never dated anyone, kissed anyone, even really flirted with anyone.
I guess when people ask me what my orientation is, or when it comes up, I say "I'm currently interested in girls", or "I'm bi" (I'm a girl, by the way). But I just don't know...I'm starting to think I hate men more than I love women...and I don't think thats a good reason to consider myself gay...or is it?
Okay, arguments for thinking I'm gay or bisexual. Lots of gay people say they knew since they were kids, and thats not true for me, but I did have a very close relationship with my "best friend" when I was like 10-13. I remember being very jealous when she would spend time with other kids, and we very often talked about how we were perfect for each other and would spend the rest of our lives living together. But I don't know how unusual that is, and I certainly didn't think I was gay at the time. I remember when I was 11 or 12, adamantly defending gay people and gay marriage to a boy who was saying its adam and eve not adam and steve. I thought this was stupid and yelled at him. The reason I think this is odd, is that I had never had anything other than heteronormative values exposed to me. Catholic school, conservative parents, never met or knew of a gay person in my life. Was I on some subconscious level, defending myself? Anyways, all through elementary school I never had a "boyfriend" like the other girls, but when my best friend got her "boyfriend" I was jealous, and hated him.
Anyways, I then went to an all girls highschool and thats when the little red flag of gayness began to go up. I met my best friend, who was really passionate about gay rights and I began to feel strongly about it too. And then I got interested in something very odd. Me and my friend began to get very "interested" in gay men. Gay guys on TV, movies, whatever. At first my reaction was like "aww", then I began to find it more than just cute, but also attractive. In fact, I began to fantasize about gay sex sometimes. Weird, right? But I have no idea how to interpret that. At the time, I was like "I'm so straight, I find that much masculinity attractive". Just like how men find lesbian sex attractive. But, maybe that wasn't it. Maybe I found it appealing because it wasn't heterosexual. It didn't have guy/girl sex, and therefore, when thinking about it, I didn't have to put MYSELF, mentally, into the fantasy. I did also have heterosexual fantasies, and those too, I don't know what to make of them. Enjoyable, sure, but also very much not. And I don't know, maybe it was guilt or maybe it was something else, but they felt wrong. Was it because I grew up in a sexually conservative society? Maybe. But I always felt like my fantasies grated against everything I was, and that the fantasies themselves were demeaning- how could I ever go through with the real thing? After fantasizing about heterosexual sex, I always felt a little bit...less. Again, in the moment, enjoyable, but I always felt like they should have nothing to do with the real me, but the more I thought about it, the more I became less of myself. But maybe allot of women feel this way? Maybe it was just intense guilt?
Anyways, then cue feelings for girls. I'm not really sure where that started. Grade 9 I remember suspecting that my new best friend was gay, and I secretly hoped that she liked me. Turns out she wasn't but all through high school I kept hoping. I began to find particular girls in my school very good looking and often sat in class imagining I was kissing them. but somehow, the idea that this was gay never crossed my mind. I guess I just thought, "there are no boys around, I'm turned on, my mind is just transferring that feeling onto girls, no big deal". Maybe thats exactly my issue. I really think me going to an all girls school did have a big impact on my confusion. My sexual, emotional and intellectual development all happened with girls and the absence of guys. Thats not a normal situation. But if thats true, does that make my feelings for girls legitimate? That doesn't seem to match other gay people's theories- they were born gay and I...went to an all girls school? but I guess not everyone came out of that school questioning their sexuality (although, to be honest, I think there was a higher number of girls who did than in a regular school, so warning- SINGLE GENDERED SCHOOLS MIGHT TURN YOUR KID GAY).
When I was in grade 10, I think, maybe early grade 11, I was having a conversation with my older, more conservative sister about gay rights or gay boys being cute or something, and she was like"whats wrong with you? are you gay?" this was not the first time she had "accused" me, but this time I sort of stopped and was like..."I don't know...maybe". She was shocked and going on about how weird gay people are and I instantly took it back, genuinely saying that I just got mixed up with my strong feelings for their rights, and I just said that because I though gay culture was cool.
I keep going on being straight, and had lots of crushes on male celebrities and gushed about them and fantasized about gay men and heterosexual sex. I still thought about kissing girls (including my best friend) but that didn't matter. Every once and a while it would bug me though. I would become more aware of what I was thinking, instead of like, subconscious fantasy, and I would be like "OH SHIT, thats not normal". I think from that first time in grade 10, to grade 12, I "came out" to my sister about 5 or 6 times. But she would reason through with me that I was getting friendship and attraction mixed up, and I was still attracted to guys and I would agree and I would move on for the next while believing I was heterosexual.
For a long time, I took great comfort in the fact that I didn't have fantasies about having sex with girls. I thought about cuddling, holding a girl, making out with a girl and even groping (especially boobs, I thought about boobs allot). Not sex. Quite frankly, I wasn't clear on the ins- and outs of how lesbian sex worked. But it wasn't sex fantasies that made me REALLY and truly think something was up. I became aware of how I was having intense and detailed fantasies about simply being in love, and living with, a woman. I think it dawned on me that this was the first type of fantasy that ever felt "right". Instead of being on the outside, looking in on to people, this fantasy included myself, and i didn't feel guilty or degraded or anything. I consciously asked myself at that point, "Do you picture yourself ending up with a woman?" I knew the answer was yes. And "Do you picture yourself ending up with a man?" and I couldn't. That was a huge turning point. After that I began to think much more about girls, and I admitted to myself that I was less than straight.
I began to think about lesbian sex. But heres the thing...at first, I was kinda indifferent...I don't know, this bit is complicated. It turned me on, but I often feel, it doesn't turn me on enough, usually. Sometimes, it does.
