Still trying to be productive...

Today wasn't overly great but it wasn't a total lazy day...I woke up super sick though, so maybe I have an excuse? I went to french class, copied all the notes from the classes I missed from Millie and did like 3 or 4 hours of studying french. I have a quiz next class and I'm still soo behind. Like I basically didn't learn anything from unit 3 or 4, just 1 and 2. So two units worth of stuff I don't know...how did I get so behind?

Well probably from doing things like faffing around on tumblr or looking up vegan recipes that aren't just lettuce...like I've been doing for the past couple hours...

In general though, I've really been putting out an effort to be productive and normal. In the past couple weeks, I've had many unproductive days, but not days like, watching movies for hours on end by myself. More like going out with Lindsay, partying, and sleeping the day away. Somehow that feels slightly better, if its just on occasion... Despite this productiveness, I don't really feel the effects of concerta. Its hard to tell. But I'm going to the doctor on thursday and they'll probably bump it up.

I really need to pull my grades up. I have to. Especially french. Its in the dumps, and its embarrassing because the teacher calls on me and I have no idea what the question is. I need to work harder. Plus I've totally alienated my tutor. Ugh. I won't go into that. In political science, things are pretty "chill". I never do the readings, but its so easy and self explanatory, I feel like I can keep up without it. I will have to read it all before the exam though... we also have an essay coming up, which is scary because it my first ever uni essay, but I got 78% on the outline and barely tried, so it will probably be okay. Plus I've got a month. Comparative politics is weird... not sure whats going on. Got an 80% on my midterm. I KNOW it was bad. I really don't understand, but i guess its a good thing, considering I bombed the presentation, and will be getting 0% for participation...so yeah basically french is my enemy right now. I need to learn and memorize all of chapter 4 by thursday at 9. Fun.

oh and still flip flopping between wanting to date someone and not. PEOPLE ARE SCARY. I don't know how people work...lindsay and in general everyone are like "let it happen". If I do that I will be alone forever. But I can't initiate because I don't know what people wan out of relationships. Hypothetically, if I go to this LBGT thing at square one (which I might not, because Jenessa doesn't seem into it) and meet someone who isn't a teeny bopper pansexual, and who I actually like... then what? I dunno. Honestly, I'm scared there going to want to have sex or even making out seems scary. Not unpleasant... just I can't imagine MYSELF doing it. I know it takes me time to get used to anything, to not be scared of things, but what if after like, 3 weeks there like "SEX!". and are weirded out by my no experience and not wanting to have sex with them? Like those girls at holy name. They were sleeping with eachother all over the place. I can't even imagine that. I don't know. I have some serious problems with myself, I know. But I don't want to have never dated anyone at like 25 or something...

Gah. I don't know.

But anyways, should get back to it. I want to be in bed by 12:30 or 1 and I've got allot to do.