*le sigh*

Things not going particularly well for me, and I'd like to believe that its because of all these out side things that I can't control, but for the most part, its because I'm lazy.

I'm doing really bad in school. I keep being like "okay, this week I'm gunna catch up!". Then I spend hours waisting time on absolute shit. Like, my life is so easy, why can't I keep up with the bare minimum expectations I set for myself? I'm taking 3 liberal arts courses and thats my only responsibilities. I don't have a job, I don't pay my own rent or food, I don't have people depending on me, nothing. But somehow, I struggle on a daily basis to survive. I consider it a goal achieved when I shower. Like, how pathetic am I? Some days, I can't keep myself clean, my room clean, dishes not mouldy, do ANY amount of homework, or go to class. I am not even trying. I never read my text books or study. I barely ever practice french. I guess I fill my days with anything but homework. Conversations, making food, tumblr, youtube, sleeping. If I fail, I will try to blame it on ADHD, depression, anxiety. While it is all those things, its me. ADHD, depression and anxiety is me. Its not some outside force holding me back. Those disorders are the names for my behaviours. I have to force myself to do the things I want to do. Every day. That's my problem. Yesterday, I slept in and didn't go to class, because in the moment, sleeping in felt better. That's stupid. If I had done what I should have done, instead of doing what I wanted, I would probably have known at least one more answer to a question on the exam. Now I won't.

I'm so upset with myself.

Yes, I'm less stressed, but not because I got better, but because I didn't even try. I haven't gotten better this year. I'm lying to myself. I'm exactly the same person. Just lower expectations for myself.

I have no impulse control is what it comes down to. It shows even in the little things, picking my face, touching my eyebrows and eyelashes. If feels good, so i do it. The consequences are that is is gross, it makes me break out, and it makes me loose my hair. but I don't stop.

GAHHHH. I hate myself. PATHETIC IS THE ONE AND ONLY WORD TO DESCRIBE MYSELF.

I'm going to counselling today, for exactly this reason, but I am pessimistic that any level of therapy can change this.

Today I feel like I am going to fail school, and end up never dating anyone. Eventually I'll just kill myself. I guess I've slipped into the "out of my control" mindset, but I guess after 18 years of "you can do it, just try harder!" pep talks to myself, you begin to feel as if you are fundamentally flawed, and there is nothing you can do about it. In nature, the runt of the litter can't keep up and dies. I'm the societal runt. Not as smart or fast as the others. If it wasn't for social support like my parents or the sympathies that go with IEPs or depression, I would not be here. I'm the weak link.

I don't know. I know I need to keep trying, but its getting too hard. I can't picture myself functioning normal ever. Getting good grades, having a path or goals in terms of academics or a job, staying financially afloat, having a relationship, and actually being attractive to that person physically, emotionally and intellectually.

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